blissed out at the coast

i have never done anything like this.

in fact, my only true art experience has been in high school, with ms. fletcher, and ms. peek.  and with out those two fostering my education, and encouraging me, high school may have been dull.  so thank you.  i also believe that these teachers gave me such a great love for art.

but last weekend was unreal.  i was blissed out.  i was walking from cloud to cloud in complete happiness.  it was basically like a hug from god.  a real tight, squeeze from my creator, saying "see, this is how i love you, by giving you this...."

and you know what i learned?  so much.  the first day we started out with a little instruction, but was then encouraged to just paint, and layer, and then next day was spent digging through more paint, creating texture, layers upon layers.  the final step was listening to what each painting was saying to us.  (that was my favorite part !!) just a few things i wanna ramble on about.

first:  everyone should have a opportunity to go on a art retreat.  because i really believe we are all creative individuals and art is one way we can heal, and be inspired.  because art is never wrong, it's just me, making things, choosing colors, picking patterns, brushing strokes that are all ME.  and, it's always perfect.  maybe the only thing i can do that is never wrong.  it can never be picked on, or humiliated, and it never makes a bad choice.  and if i listen closely, i can hear god whispering... "that all is well, enjoy this, my gift to you...."

art also lets me get lost.  and if i am feeling weighed down by horrible things, or just having a hard time being a momma to three girls, i can let go for awhile.  nothing else matters.

second: it's good to get away.  and it's good to come home.  there is something so sweet about both of those things.  the excitement of leaving, and the anticipation of coming back to my own bed, my people.  feeling refreshed enough to take on my world again and again.  to unwind so i can spin.  i thought a lot about home when i was away.  for me it is really who i share it with.  not the location, or the furniture, or the actual structure.  but who is inside my walls with me.  who shares the space with me.  who tangles their legs with me in bed.

feeling so grateful that i had this oppurtunity.  so blessed that jay took time off of work to help with the girls.  i now want to help him get in touch with his creative side.  because the man has talents like no other!!  and when we use this gifts, we really are honoring god.  it is so clear to me.

5

5 ways i am learning to really live:

BE THANKFUL, NOT WISHFUL.
this has changed how i process everything!  i kid you. not.  it really stretches my mind to remember how everything is a gift.  big, little, beautiful, and the ugly is a gift too.  for ugliness allows us to take another chance to see something in a different way.  wishful is just a bunch of "i wants".  thankful is a frame of mind.

THE MOMENT IS NOW.
don't wait until tomorrow.  pay the bills, take a walk, play games with my little, call my friend i haven't talked to in awhile, really sink a kiss on the husband.  now.  each day goes by so fast, and if i wait too long, i may not have another chance.

BE INTENTIONAL WITH MONEY.
oh, the root of all evil.  this has been my hardest to tame.  it means, for me saying no when i really want to say yes.  i really want to teach my girls that material things don't matter.  but making moments magical and beautiful are.  invest in those.

CREATE.
i am now dedicating one day a week to art,  just like i did in the summer.  but the start of the year was busy, and i lost it.  but we all are, as a family, making this a priority.  sometimes it's coloring and painting.  and sometimes it is a little more complicated.  but it's always fun.

GET OUTSIDE.
since we have acreage, woods, trees, and ponds all in our backyard there is no reason we should be inside.  so, even if it's raining we all go.  out.  and play.  wet.  doesn't matter.  and we really feel how small we are in this great big world.  and what better playground is nature.  god did good.

laying down to raise them up

how many times have i laid down something to raise them up?
my girls.
my blessings,
my treasures.

i have said no to so much when all i have wanted is to desperately say yes!

to school.
to clothes.
to weekend get away with kindred friends.
to art, and the making of something to nurture my soul.
to extra income.
to extra things.

and how does saying no hurt, but also set you free?  free to focus on what you are saying yes to.  how each opportunity molds my no's to raise them high.  when i say no, i see more clear.  the little humans so close to my heart, and my hip that i look for them like a crazy fool in the grocery store, fearing they are lost.  but no, like the sunglasses that sit atop my head, there she is on my hip, white haired curls and all.

i sigh.  my answer is always in front of me.  always with me, sitting on my hip.
i say no to raise them high, to show them a different way to raise theirs.  it's ok, if you don't have it all, i whisper to them.  having it all gives you nothing.  you don't search for anything....
don't be afraid of being hungry, and looking for something to feed your soul.  only then can you come alive in the search, and dream when you are full.

so i tell them.  over and over again.

i know it sounds silly, and maybe so silly it's unbelievable.  but i have realized that my life has changed since we made our move out to gig harbor.  we are only 20 minutes from the city, and our previous home where we brought our babies to, and the first decade of our married life was spent in those walls.  but something has changed in our hearts a little bit.  and now we are struggling to keep it this way.

this way of living life intentionally thru every day activites.  the way we are cutting back to recieve more.  the way we are saying no to our girls, in hopes that they will grow more of a imagination, and the skills that they have been blessed with can sharpen, and they will find confidence, a sense of self worth in them.

because i believe that for a long moment jay and i had lost sight of this.  i felt like we were in this race.  the race of parenthood, and we lost.  our girls don't do a lot of stuff.  like sports, or camps, shopping, tv, clubs, or lessons.  we do a few things every year with them, but not on a ongoing schedule.  and i believe because life happens, and i don't want these scheduled, paid for, commitment type of things to ruin...well...LIFE.  the everyday.  the little moments that make up our hours.

i have never understood why joy has to be doing something that you can win or lose at.  how shopping can make you look pretty so you feel good.  or if you have a lot of commitments you are somehow living really well, because you can afford all the lessons, the trips, the sports.  if you are busy then you are also successful.  i have completely failed, and lost sight of the most important thing that i wanted to give my girls.  i compare myself all the time, it's annoying, to other moms.  it's not fair to my girls, for me to not be present.  should i do more?  go faster?  join another club?  you got that outfit from where?  the trip was fabulous so we must go too.  too fast.  not important.  wasting my energy.

what i want to achieve is this: how can i show my girls that none of it matters?
and i had found the answer in a couple different thoughts.  but the one i want to focus on right now is marriage.  and this for me is huge.  so simple.  so innocent, and free.

the thing about marriage is also how i feel about life:  sometimes you have to make something out of nothing.  with creativity, patience, and complete respect, we can turn the stillness of a relationship to life.  we can turn the stillness of life to being content.  and what is so wrong with being still for a moment, or even a season?

my previous post, is odd in the timing of this post.  i find it eery, and also comforting.  in the way that even though we don't know the future, we have these thoughts that help us form the next days.  i guess that's the holy spirit, in it's best.  working with our hearts, an ever present whisper that what we are feeling isn't strange, but a way to prepare.

a note to grandma, who passed the day after mother's day.

to my granma janice wahlstrom:
when i am sad, and lonely for you, which will no doubt be often, and every CA trip that will be ventured, every Christmas, and when i think of my childhood, i will reflect on these things.  these are memories that have brought so much joy to my heart.  YOU brought joy to my life in only ways that a grandmother can.  it's magical the way you would make me feel.  so extra special, just for being ME.  in no particular order:

the way you would grocery shop with my brothers and i, buying all sorts of treats, cereals, pop tarts, fruit snacks, ice cream, and popsicles that mom would never let us have.

the hand holding, your thumb would always rub mine, back and forth, and you would talk about a memory of yours, your nails always painted that mauve color, never chipped, only perfect.

on sundays at church when i found the service boring, and would begin to fidget, you would open your purse and let me choose a treat....the choices, not always the same, were altoids, gum, and mentos....it was nice to suck and chomp on the candy, and this treat would always held me over to refreshment time in the church patio.

i loved it when you took me shopping.  a whole outfit head to toe.  and you would always so seriously, "two bottoms for every top and two tops for every bottom."  that was exactly how my bags left the store.

we made bread together one spring, and you sent me home with some yeast.  that was when eva was a babe, i still have the tupperware!

EASTMAN SUPPLIES, they were like gold to me.  i loved when you would send me a package, a true and wonderful sight for a crafter's eye to see. {picture angels singing when said box is opened}

one time you took me shoe shopping and i desperately wanted the shoes that lit up with every step i would take.  i knew i would instantly be popular the following monday at school.  but no, you didn't like those ones, so i had to settle for KEDS.   you were my only hope for the light up lightning shoes.  i thought you kinda let me down, but now looking back you words are loud and clear to this 30 year old...."you always need good shoes, it's important to keep your feet comfy."  how true that is.

let's see, of course i loved your jewelry box, i am your son's daughter!  i know i looked often in that box, and you would explain each piece.  picking up the jewelry ever so carefully,  "your grandpa gave me this piece, and your grandpa gave me that piece, and....."

oh!  i also remember the time i discovered all your expensive scarfs.  that was really fun, while i ignored my girls' demands for a hot minute, you gave me a quick summary of each one.  who gave them to you, and how YOU would wear them, we sat at the edge of your bed admiring these silky beauties and flipping the pages of the "how to" book on the appropriate way to wear them.

i tried on your wedding dress one time, long ago on a hot summer california day.  i still remember the way the air smelled.

these really are a just a few things.   i am hoping my heart will heal a little with these memories written out, give a voice.  did you know that freja sunshine, is sunshine in part because of your love for the song "you are my sunshine" ?  i hope i can pass that fun song down to my girls with all the other great, warm, and heartfelt things you blessed me with.

until heave granma, i will visit granpa as often as i can, i know you wouldn't want him to be lonely and sad.  and i will cry for you the rest of my earthly life.  i feel so blessed to call you mine.  my granma!

and then there's this:

the truth is:
i could go on and on about being a momma......
and all the whirlwinds that have happened to my heart over the years.
the way my life changed.  still is.  the joys, the sorrows, the heartaches, the surprises.
but, i am tired.  for a gazillion and one reasons.  and my heart is heavy and my questions are running endless in my mind.  i am beyond thankful for a wonderful, sacrificing momma in my life.  i only hope i am half as a mom to my three ladies that she was to me.  i also can't imagine life with out her.  and this day, i know some loved ones, and strangers, are having to face the reality that their mom may be going home real soon.  and i too will live that reality.  so today i am just soaking up every minute.

wordy words. on my mind.

the girls have six weeks of school left.  and right now the summer seems like it might beat me up, instead of being restful.  i hope i am wrong.

i read the news tribune about the "morning after pill" and the newest regulation with the age, i don't usually follow these things, i don't like politics, but my heart was so heavy after reading this.  i think because i have a handful of girls, that are so great.  and i feel this urge to protect them, keep them in a very strong bubble.  and anyway, make a long emotional story short, i basically threw up in my mouth. so i have been thinking a lot about those types of things this week.  kind of a whirl wind in my heart.


the kitchen is almost done.  we are so close, and i am excited !  can't wait to unpack all those boxes.

the four wheeler and dirt bike are getting the most use they have ever had since we made the move, and everyone is excited about that.....maybe not me so much.

i think just about every weekend we have had friends over, and parties, and family, and everyone crashes as the night ends.  it has been anything but restful here, but in a good way.

my brother got a st. bernard!  she is cute!

dance parties are more awesome with out furniture, but with that being said we really need to purchase something....it is slim pickings in here, and sometimes we fight over the seats.

oh, my amazing friend made me this quilt.  i almost cried, i. love. quilts.

on a crazy whim we said good-bye to the trailer.  posted it to CL and the next day gone!  huge blessing to own it when we did, and also to sell it that fast.  even in little things, and in all seasons, god is good.