this isn't uplifting, in  any way, other than in the way that it takes a lot of courage to seek help.

i don't have the greatest parenting skills, and i don't know how it happened, but i made a phone call for help, a plea.  and it felt good.  it felt like i had made the best decision in a long time.

i have eva, and adore her.  she is the best.  and i need help with her.  i have ran out of tools, out of patience, and energy, and most of all heart.  i feel horrible for saying that.  but i feel even more guilty for not asking for some guidance.

i am weak with her.  she brings me to my knees in frustration and sadness.  she challenges me, and once i climb over that hurdle, she does it again.

the truth is:  it's more about me than eva.  and that is scary.  what have i not learned about me?  what am i grieving?  why am i scared, and not rolling in self confidence?

i will find it.  i will.