my heart is heavy, and i have tried to fill my mind with things that bring me joy.  but i just can't escape all the evil that is floating about in my head.  all the questions, and the energy it takes is exhausting trying to make sense of it all.  but evil does exist, just like good does.  if you don't believe evil is real, just go ahead and take a look at the horrible day in a classroom, full of beautiful spirits.  and tell me what then, happened on that day.

i pulled the girls out of school on that friday.  i ran to their class rooms, pushed myself into their sweet wiry arms, and held them so tight.  cried.  and said, "i wanna take you home now".  and i did just that.  

and now i don't care that they are eating oreo's on the couch.  or that the spinach smoothie has been spilled on my floor, or that the bath water is now overflowing into the hallway, or that their coats are everywhere but the hook, or that the music is too loud, or the dancing on the couch has to stop, or the paint needs to stay on the paper, not the wall.  i don't care, i don't, do it, make me know you are HERE!  

and sleep with me, and breathe your morning breath on me, and leave the crumbs on the table, and please forget your lunch, that way i can come bring it to you.  and ask me a million times if a friend can come over, and why your daddy can't actually get you the moon, and then after that, go ahead....complain about the dinner, and the way your pajamas are too tight, and how you really do need  more toys. 

and wake me up at the crack of dawn, wanting sugary cereal, and then let's be late for school.  and i don't mind taking you littles everywhere, church, cheer, band, bells, and play practice.  and i want to soak in the fact that you hate car seat buckles, and the dark, and socks.  it's okay, it's all okay.

because i am more aware of them.  and i don't want to live in the past, or the future, i want to be here in the now. because all i have is now, i don't know what tomorrow brings, it's a mystery. i only want to love you the best, the hardest, the slowest, and the sweetest!